One has to feel a little sorry for the offspring of celebrities. They always get stuck with weird names. One only has to consider Heavenly Hiraani Tigerlily Hutchence, Moonunit Zappa or Sunday Rose Kidman (the latter name always makes me think of the U2 song, ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’, and from what I recall, the poor kid was born on a Monday anyway, so it just doesn’t make sense).
Anyway, I was reading about the worst celebrity baby names of 2008. I think my son can count himself lucky that he wasn’t called “Bronx Mowgli”, which was said (deservedly) to be the worst celebrity baby name of 2008. My Dad tells me a “Bronx cheer” is another phrase for blowing a raspberry, which gives it even worse connotations. The worst celebrity baby name for a female child was Jagger Joseph Blue (a very masculine name for the poor tot, surely). The worst celebrity baby names for twins were Sawyer and Coco, who sound (dare I say it) like a pair of pomeranians rather than a pair of children.
Yes, if either of my children complain about their names, I’ll just tell them they could have been Jagger and Bronx.
15 Comments
How ’bout Zowie Joey Bowie?
My favourite is from Catch 22: Major Major Major. It was his father’s idea of a joke. Unfortunately it cost him promotion in the army. He found it hard to make Colonel. They only had one Major Major Major Major and they weren’t gonna lose him.
And then there was a guy called Santa Claus – real story. He used to get thrown in the brig when in the navy ’cause the officers thought he was taking the piss.
Poor little Sunday Roast – sorry, Rose….
Adrien, I heard Zowie Bowie was calling himself something like John these days. No wonder.
I love Major Major Major Major.
If you’ve read Freakonomics, you’ll have heard about the sons called Winner and Loser. Loser was a police officer with awards for bravery (known to his friends as “Lou”). Winner was a crack dealer who was constantly in and out of gaol. True.
Poor Santa, that really is cruel.
M-H, I hadn’t thought of that particular problem with Sunday Rose as a combination…but now I’m always going to have a vision of a leg of lamb when I hear about her…
The whole Freakonomics analysis of names is pretty amazing, actually — names don’t determine economic outcomes, but they’re a handy proxy for them. They’re also closely correlated with social class — a name popular with wealthy parents ten years ago slowly becomes popular among poorer people, until eventually it becomes so declasse that wealthy people stop using it. And ‘historically black’ names are a great way to get your resume binned, not because employers are racists, but because the lowest-achieving black families give their children ‘superblack’ names. Fascinating stuff.
Perhaps there is a market for a book of baby names exclusively for celebrities.
We could identify some interesting possibilities and see what the take up rate is. Here are some possible candidates for such a book:
Melanoma – lovely name for a girl
Carbuncle – nice and forcefull for a boy
Hemorrhoid – has a definite ring to it.
twin girls? How about Syphilia and Gonnerea?
Pennecilin – for the child who has everything.
Claque – after all celebrities crave applause
Gazump – brilliant if you intend your brat tobecome a wheeler and dealer.
Xenoglossia – this would suit most celebreties since it means understanding a language that you have never learnt and most seem to have their diffioculties with English
Bollard – perfect name for a pottential superstud
Tripod – as above
Autology – applies to most celebreties – the studty of one’s self
Cornuto – this seems to be the fate of most male celebs – to be cuckolded.
Should not be too difficult to comple such a book in time for the 2009 Christmas market
“Poor little Sunday Roast – sorry, Rose….”
This was my first thought when I heard the name. My brain immediately moved to a famous ad where a now famous girl gave up a date with Nic’s ex for a Sunday Roast with her family.
john tons, thanks for the laugh as I took a break from wrapping a small mountain of parcels that should have been posted last week. Too braindead to contribute more.
My husband used to joke that we were going to call our children “Moisture” and “Phlegm” (the two worst names he could think of). But I think John’s list has beaten that hands down. I shall wait with interest to see if any celebrities consult his list…
Duncan actually. They get along well despite the stupid name thing.
Bowie’s daughter with Iman is called Alexandria. He also a sister called Iman, true. She married an Egyptian and converted to Islam.
Skeptic – And ‘historically black’ names are a great way to get your resume binned, not because employers are racists, but because the lowest-achieving black families give their children ’superblack’ names.
Wasn’t it due to an almost unconscious association of black with low achiever. When I read that I thought instead of affirmative action they shopuild just have a system where irrellevant data like style of name is excluded when selecting the CVs you’re interested in interviewing.
They’re also closely correlated with social class — a name popular with wealthy parents ten years ago slowly becomes popular among poorer people, until eventually it becomes so declasse that wealthy people stop using it.
Yeah costume and styles work a little like that.
But the stykles often start with people way down on the social scale, are adopted by bohemia then by the fashion conscious and make their way into the mainstream.
So Mick Jones from The Clash gets into hip-hop in the late ’70s adopts the backward baseball hat look which was naff amongst the ‘cool’ people of the 80s and by then end of the 90s it become de rigeur.
Of course it can work the other way. The Teddy Boys’ look comes from a combination of Rockabilly and Neo_Edwardian style. The Neo-Edwardians, the first ‘retro’ movement revived the style after WWII. They were of the upper crust and presumbly wore the clothes of the Imperial high point as compensation.
This happened around ’45. By ’55 many Saville Row tailors would not cut an Edwrdian suit because of its association with the Teddy Boy thugs.
And then some sons of East End tailors revived the look and invented Mod which got revived by the punks who were attacked by the Teddy Boys for the disrespect. And now, as a reaction to ten years of Gangsta B-boy yobbery devolution the look is back.
England the place where people actually go to war over style.
Ah… one of my favourite topics of all time. A teacher friend told me of a little boy who was in his class. Name. “Rowdy Negro” Smith or Jones or whatever. Poor child.
Some good ones in there, john tons — had a nice chuckle.
Holy sh*t adrien:
“And now, as a reaction to ten years of Gangsta B-boy yobbery devolution the look is back”
That takes me back, but I spose it’s now 20 or so years.