This Garfield cartoon pretty much sums it up for me right now (it’s always been one of my favourites).
I’ve said before, “Sometimes I feel like I’m juggling multiple balls and if I don’t watch out, I’ll drop them all.” I think I’ve reached the point where I’ve dropped the balls. I had a plan this year that I would keep on doing PhD thesis and care for my children – full time Mum, full time PhD. I’ve realised it’s just not going to work. I can’t do justice to the PhD if I do justice to my children. I’ve deferred the PhD for a bit while I work out what to do (obviously, my children are my priority).
I don’t know what to do with childcare. As I’ve outlined, my daughter has never been very happy with creche. I took her out before my son was born because she was so miserable and sick. The straw that broke the camel’s back occurred when I got a “report” from the creche saying that she barely spoke (an extraordinary conclusion; at home, she never shuts up for one second). If she barely spoke, then there were two possibilities. Either they didn’t know who she was, or she didn’t speak to staff because she was so miserable. Neither possibility was acceptable. And I don’t want to put Eaglet No. 2 in creche at such an early age if I have any choice in the matter. What I would really like to do is to pay for someone to come and look after the kids for a few hours while I go and do research, but you don’t get government subsidies for that kind of care, so it will be financially difficult. Of course, the grandparents have offered to help when they can, but this doesn’t work as a long term solution, because grandparents have a life too.
Mum and I have noticed that there is an amazing amount of child-minding done by grandparents. But everyone I know who has started off relying solely on grandparents has had to move to paid childcare of some sort, because the burden has simply been too great. If retired grandparents say, “We’d really like to take a two week holiday,” you can’t say no — and nor would you want to. My parents and parents-in-law have brought up their children already, and deserve to enjoy that! Grandparents are in a cleft stick. They love their grandchildren, and want to spend time with them. They want to help their children, too. But they don’t want to be indentured for life as carers of the grandchildren.
So there are no easy solutions with regard to childcare. I just feel that I’m spread too thinly, and that I’m not doing anything particularly well at the moment (mothering, study, being a good wife, being a good friend). Hopefully deferring the PhD will give me a little breathing space.
For Christians, Easter is a time of rebirth and renewal, while for Jews, Passover or Pesach is a time to celebrate a long and difficult journey to the Promised Land. I hope some Easter/Passover spirit rubs off on me while I work out how to get the balls back up in the air again.
51 Comments
I’ve just read this post and your older one about your childcare dilemma, and I have to say that I can completely relate to where you’re coming from here. Completely. My daughter had the same reaction to child care at age nearly 2. Now she loves it. And she’s even stopped getting so sick so constantly. What changed? I think eventually having a carer at the creche who took the time to have some one on one time with her, just a little each day, helped. But really, I think it was truly a matter of time and familiarity with the whole experience. It’s been a dramatic change. She used to scream horribly for me when I left (so much so, I would be rather shaky for some time afterwards, and very guilty). Now she’s quite happy when I leave her, looking forward to the morning routine, to seeing the children she knows. It took about four or five months for her to get used to it. At the time, you think it’s going to take forever. And then, all of a sudden it’s actually pleasant and those earlier days seem like a bad dream. Time is the answer, I believe.
Completely know where you’re coming from with the PhD dilemma too. Having done a PhD myself, I think you’re quite right to defer if you need to, in order to recharge and reassess (this is from someone who wishes she had done so at various stages). It will still be there when you come back and you’ll feel better for it.
Well done, Legal Eagle, for juggling so much and yet keeping it real. PhD’s are not easy. Mothering is certainly not easy. Getting the right support is a challenge. You’re a credit to women’s lib. As well as to your daughter for caring so deeply. Love that cartoon BTW.
Thank you so much, memeweaver, that means a lot to me.
LE chin up girl you’ll work it out.Best wishes to you and yours
thank you, tal
{hugs}
Harder to find, but perhaps there is someone local who works as a registered child carer (from their own home) who could take both your littlies in a smaller group of 3-5 where your daughter might be happier.
In the meantime, be sure to do something nice just for yourself. Burnout sucks, but it is fortunately only temporary.
“Either they didn’t know who she was, or she didn’t speak to staff because she was so miserable”
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Social anxiety and/or being introverted will do this, rather than just being miserable (and we all have some level of these) and of course they recede with familiarity, as noted by the comment above, “But really, I think it was truly a matter of time and familiarity with the whole experience”.
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Thank you all – very much appreciated.
I think the problem was with that particular creche – my daughter had been there a year, and had just never settled in. So she was familiar with the carers and the children, but was still not comfortable. I kept hoping she’d settle but it never happened. I think your idea is a good one, DEM, and that’s exactly what I’m looking into.
I suspect my daughter is just like my sister and I – she doesn’t fare so well in large groups. I was a lot happier at my English school (60 or so people in a year) than my Australian school (400 or so people in a year). That’s despite the fact that my English school was rather insane in many, many ways (eg, we had to pray for all As in our exams – I refused on principle, As don’t come from God, they come from my own efforts).
LE, I do understand. I really felt for this. It is just so difficult.
I am not sure what I can say that is really helpful.
While we haven’t met in the flesh, so to speak, I know a little bit about you. I think that you need to keep the PhD going, the issue is how,
Will think about this and try to write a post drawing from my own experience. The problem with trade-offs is that the downsides bite later.
I basically never used childcare. My wife and I decided to both work part-time so one of us was always the carer.
It sidestepped the childcare issue completely.
David, that’s something we’ve considered, but I don’t have an ongoing job at the moment, nor am I likely to do so until I finish the PhD. I just can’t earn enough for my husband to be able to take a few days off per week. We’re not exorbitant livers or anything, but sessional academic salaries are PATHETIC for the amount of work you have to do.
So, current state of affairs is: can’t get a proper job until finish PhD, can’t finish PhD until I get enough time to do it…must find childcare option…
Thanks Jim.
I know you understand.
Hard stuff, this. But your PhD will sit there quietly, waiting for you to return to it with passion; your daughter won’t. Her needs can’t be postponed. And it will work out. Take care of yourself and keep listening to your instincts.
I found this post disturbing on a number of levels. It took me a couple of hours to work out why:
1. As with most discussion on childcare, why is it always about what the woman has to sacrifice for the child. Why is it that the option for the father to give up full time employment hardly ever included in the discussion?
2. Why should society (through the agency of the government using our taxes) pay for child care in order for a parent to get an advanced degree?
3. Life is about choices. LE has decided to put a large effort into blogging. One option is to scale back on blogging and do some more work on her Ph.D.
4. The only solution that LE indicates that would work for her is the employment of a nanny. She indicates that the family unit cannot afford this. Should any family be able to support such a set up. It would imply either a massive income distribution in society (the American model where most nannies are immigrants with little economic power) or with government subsidies (what is the role of government in subsidising childcare for any purpose)
5. LE talked about using grand parents for child care. Her situation is the most flexible anyone is likely to come across. Doing a degree by research has far less time constraints than almost any other situation (paid employment for instance). If she is unable to negotiate something with the grand parents that allow her to continue to study, what hope the rest of us?
On a different tack, a friend of mine has a child that exhibited similar behavior in preschool. The parents have recently been advised to seek help because it may lead to problems later on. They have gone to a psychologist for help. They have just started this process, so I can’t comment on it’s success or applicability. The point is that consideration should be given to seeking help in this matter.
Finally, why do we require a formal structure in order to keep on learning. LE has postponed her Ph.D. studies. Why does that necessitate that she stop working on it? I am as guilty as anyone in this regard. There are things on the net that allow you to study lots of interesting things. But I have not taken any advantage of this.
The problem is the 1970s left-wing feminazis have a cultish devotion to breaking the nexus linking mother-children-home. Their alternative? Children as battery-hens. May they smother in their unwashed boiler suits!
Wow. That’s the response of a generous spirit, John.
Mr T:
In response to point 1: Initially, the woman has to take time off because she goes through the physical process of bearing and feeding the child.
In our case, it doesn’t make sense for my husband to go part time because I am only on contract. (We have considered it – in fact, my husband would love it!) Therefore we can’t rely on a guaranteed salary for me. Better to have one full guaranteed salary. The powers that be have indicated that I won’t get ongoing employment until I finish the PhD.
In response to point 2: I got subsidies for childcare when I worked. Now that I am not working, I do not get any subsidies for childcare. I’m not sure whether study counts or not – I’m not sure that it does. As for whether you think childcare subsidies in general are a good thing – that’s such a big topic.
In response to point 3: True, I do put a lot of effort into blogging. But the kind of effort I put in is very different to PhD time. Namely, I can start writing this comment or a post, and then if my son needs a feed or my daughter wants to play a game with me, I can leave and then come back later. I’m finding with the writing up of the thesis that this kind of off-again, on-again approach is not working, and that writing until late in the night is not working either. What I really need is some unbroken time without interruptions.
I suspect that when I do get back into the PhD the blogging will suffer.
In response to point 4: Yes, there’s a whole can of worms there. I remember that when the Clinton administration was appointing women to posts, the women were found to be employing illegal immigrants to look after cleaning/childcare etc. Really the only way women can be 100% successful at their career is to shunt the childcare and stuff onto another person – and that other person is typically also female, and typically also badly paid. One view would be that middle class women oppress other less well off women to get ahead.
In response to point 5: I do actually think my PhD should be treated like a job (with specific deadlines and lots of hard work). Therefore I don’t think study is that different to a job. Yes, it’s more flexible, but if you want to do it properly, it’s still a hell of a lot of work. The flexible approach worked fine when I was just researching and going down rabbitholes. The problem is that I’ve gotten to the writing up stage, and that requires a lot more concentration and effort.
I’m not going to stop working on the PhD just because I’ve deferred it. I’ll still be doing stuff – just not the kind of concerted effort I feel I need to put in for the writing up stage.
Please explain.
I would much rather have a Mexican as my kid’s nanny than some pommie, kraut, or clog-wog!
With respect to grandparents taking over care – my own parents have been overseas or interstate for about 40% – 50% of the last two years. When they’re around, of course they help. My parents-in-law have also been traveling a lot, and they are involved in many golf competitions. Again, when they are available, of course they help. I am tremendously grateful to all of them.
So what am I supposed to do? Say that the grandparents can’t go on holiday? Say that the in-laws can’t play golf any more? I’m just not happy with that as an option. Both sets of grandparents have had friends of about the same age who have become severely ill or died in the last few years. Both sets of grandparents have the attitude that while they are well and able to do so, they should be able to travel and enjoy the world. Good luck to ‘em – you can’t wait until later because later might not come. I’m lucky to have any support whatsoever – other friends whose parents have died or live interstate do it much harder.
LE
I was very fortunate to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and neighbours provide all the childcare ever required in our family. I find this whole “droppong kids off to [paid] childcare” to be antideluvian child abuse.
JG, I’m not happy with it either. I left my child in a creche when I wasn’t comfortable with it, in a hope that she’d settle. I’d cry all the way into work, because I knew it wasn’t right. There are apparently some children who thrive on paid childcare. My daughter just wasn’t one of them.
I suspect another part of the problem is that my extended family all lives in NSW and it was never very large to begin with. My husband’s extended family mostly lives in NZ or the UK, with a few in NSW. So there’s no one here in Vic other than the grandparents to rely on.
LE, there was a Quarterly Essay last year by Anne Manne, “Love & Money: The family and the free market” which was one of the best feminist discussions of the childcare/parenting dilemma I’ve ever read.
I’ve since recommended it to several women struggling with feelings of guilt because they didn’t want to go back to paid work at all one year after giving birth because they love the experience of motherhood so much and want above all to be with their children in the precious early years, despite the hardships and sacrifices this also entails.
Women’s liberation was always intended to win for women real reproductive choices and we cannot say that most women have access to real choices given the familiar ongoing state of play w/r/t childcare which is still largely privatised within the family system. Anne Manne has studied this issue in depth and has some excellent policy proposals as well.
“I do actually think my PhD should be treated like a job ”
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In Germany and Austria at least (possibly some other Euro countries), PhDs are treated like jobs — you get a position that looks a lot like a teaching/research job (and paid like one), except the research you do is writing your PhD and the research component is large compared to a normal faculty position (a lot like the Research Assistant Professor positions you can get in the US and a few other places).
Hi Legal Eagle. I’ve stopped by a few times recently, and I just wanted to agree that you need to treat your PhD as a full time job. If you think it is flexible enough to allow for the needs of full time parenting as well eventually it will break. But keep on with the trying to figure out how to get back to it, because repeated delays also break it eventually.
Good luck with it all.
As you’re probably aware, I’ve been chatting to LE offline about this, as it’s a pretty rum situation to finish up in.
If I can make one small request: although we do a lot of public policy stuff on this blog, there is a time and place for chat about it, especially on a thread like this. Yes, Virginia, people can regret their choices and find that the consequences are mixed. It’s one reason why our law has evolved lots of mechanisms for backing out of shitty choices (eg, divorce laws, much employment law). No-one would like a job or a marriage where you could never leave. Some choices, however, have a terrible finality to them, and those are the choices LE has been confronting. An awareness of that fact on the part of our regulars would be greatly appreciated.
And what M-H, Conrad, Posey, tal, Jim, memeweaver and DEM said.
Sometimes it just sucks to be a grown up
tal, ain’t that the truth. My daughter said to me the other day, “Can you be the baby and I be the Mummy?” Hmm, I wouldn’t mind that too much sometimes.
Further to Mr T’s comment – the reason I am doing a PhD is because I can’t get an ongoing job as an academic without one. Luckily, I’m also doing it because I love the areas in which I study and teach (Property, Restitution and Equity).
Thank you to all those who have been encouraging.
First let me say I was disturbed over the way the discussion in this area was usually framed not in the decisions you personally made.
“Initially, the woman has to take time off because she goes through the physical process of bearing and feeding the child.
In our case, it doesn’t make sense for my husband to go part time because….”
I have never seen this issue put so clearly. To me this is the major reason for male / female inequality over a career. I suspect that most couples are placed in a similar situation with the birth of a child with a major bias to the woman staying home.
With my point 4 (re the Clinton Administration appointments of women), what you said was exactly what I was thinking). To me it was strange that this issue only ever came up with women appointments.
I was a bit thrown by you insistence that you needed to finish your Ph.D. in order to regain paid employment. I have been reading your blog entries for a while now. These show a skill set that to me would imply a high level of marketability.
Finally, while I agree that treating study as a job with deadlines etc is the better way to achieve excellence, to me it is not the only way. At this point in your life, it is not an option to do it that way, but there are other ways: create as much time as practical whatever that is, and when you have that opportunity, 100% focus. If it takes forever, so what. It is the joy of doing rather than the outcome that is important.
Why thank you. *tips hat*
But unfortunately, the major law schools don’t see it that way…no PhD, no permanent position, particularly in these uncertain times. Part of the reason why I’ve been feeling disheartened lately was because I had yet another unsuccessful university job application experience, which ended with, “Of course, if you had your PhD, we’d look at things entirely differently.” I can do sessional work, but the money is so poor it’s really not worthwhile, and it eats into PhD time.
I don’t want to go back to private practice or to the Bar because then I’d have to work crazy hours. At least as an academic, I could work from home and the hours aren’t so crazy.
I think I just had really unrealistic expectations about what I could achieve. There shouldn’t be any shame in that, but I’m a high need achiever from way back.
“But unfortunately, the major law schools don’t see it that way…no PhD, no permanent position, particularly in these uncertain times”
.
Unfortunately, it’s not just law — this is just one of the crazy things that all the university measurement “scales” create where you end up with one number telling you how good or bad your university is. A common component is what percentage of staff have PhDs (or equivalent), and so universities compete on that scale with obvious consequences. As long as that remains, and there is an over-suppply of people with PhDs (I’m not sure whether that is true of law — but since universities are willing to hire from a world-wide employment pool, it seems likely), the only reason people will employ you without a PhD is if you are really uber special (i.e., consistently bring in more money than your salary costs, were previously a high-level politician etc.). I know that’s depressing, but it is unfortunately the current reality.
On the plus side when your kids are older you can go all”Jewish Mother” on them about this time of your life
Ha ha ha – “Oy, the sacrifices I made for you…”
Is the inability to work reasonable hours or work from home as a lawyer because thats how things are done rather than really necessary? Just curious as the last few times I’ve needed a lawyer I never physically met them. And when I sold my house nearly everything was done online, hardly even spoke to them on the phone (except when the bank stuffed up).
Hope you find a good solution for your family. We’re lucky enough to have a grandparent who lives close and is eager to help out. Though when she travels we take holiday leave.
I agree about the need for unbroken time without interruptions. I work from home and that is the biggest challenge I face with having a baby in the house.
Mr T @ 29 – lack of practical parental leave (paid or otherwise) for fathers is a big reason we end up with mothers taking up most of the responsibility for childcare. Can’t take parental leave unless you are the primary carer and as far as we could work out it next to impossible to share parental leave.
“36 hours I was in labor would it kill you to call me?”
Doesn’t work so well with my son – actually I had him within 2 and a half hours – but I had 5 weeks of intermittent false labour before that, so I’ll dine out on that… “For 5 weeks, I thought you were coming, and now you can’t clean your room?”
Have you considered Family Day Care? Small groups, house and family setting, training and oversight by local Council.
Chris @ 39 – the stupid thing about private practice as a solicitor is that your success within a firm tends to depend on your billable hours – ie, how much time you spend on work. If you are interested, you can read my post here on the issues faced by the legal profession.
Also, I’m a litigator – therefore whether I’m a barrister or a solicitor, I’d need to be attending court, and I live about 30 mins drive from the city during non-peak hour time – so would be a bit difficult to work consistently from home.
Helen @ 37 – that’s exactly what I intend to do – only thing that made me a bit nervous is that when I rang the local council to inquire, the woman said, “You know we’ve only got about 5 family day carers in this council? You can put your name down, but I don’t know what your chances will be.” Sigh. I’ll still do it though.
Also, I’d like to put in a bit here from the grandparents’ POV. I became a grandmother where I was in my late forties, and I was working full-time at that point, supporting myself as I was divorced. I wouldn’t have been available for childminding much, even if I had lived close to my daughter’s family – they are in NZ and I am in Sydney. Pretty well everyone that I know in my age group is working full-time, and while those who are older may have cut down their hours, that is because they are getting tired – much too tired to take on regular childcare.
So the assumption that grandparents will be available for regular childcare may not be very fair. It’s not a good solution for everyone – for the reasons that LE has mentioned as well as because it’s really really tiring, looking after young kids, and most people who are retired have done so, now that compulsory retirement is gone, because they don’t have the energy to work any more.
Thank you M-H. That’s exactly right. Or they may be unwell – for example, my Mum has been temporarily incapacitated for the last three months (but she’s better now). My parents looked after my kids the other day when I had to go into uni, and when I got back, they both looked exhausted. My daughter in particular is very hard work. I adore her…but gee she’s a crazy possum.
I should say also that Mum and Dad are actually away about 30% of the time (my maths is crappy). But, for example, last year my family was involved in planning my sister’s wedding for the first two months of the year – it’s more important that they devote time to that. What if my sister has children? – should the parents give equal care to her children too? Eg, two days a week for my kids, two days a week for hers…doesn’t leave much time for them to do their own thing? Is it fair to expect that? I don’t think so. Or alternatively, they could be left holding multiple babies.
I suspect when my daughter gets a bit older, she’ll have her brother and all the cousins lined up – she’s a right little martinet.
I was a bit nonplussed at some of the comments. I read LE’s post as a statement of personal difficulty, not a political or policy statement.
As LE knows, I chose to work from home to be primary child care. As LE also knows, while I do not regret this, the price was far higher than I had expected.
The issue of how we manage choices in the best way is an issue I worry about with my daughters, now 21 and 19.
On choices: yup! the trade-offs of the modern world (sigh). Perhaps we never should have climbed down from the trees! I’d love to see some sociologists put forward some radical thoughts on getting family/work balance better… but this would probably mean getting rid of the whole rat race thingy… fat chance!
Jim, that was just how the post was intended – a tale of how I bit off more than I could chew (which, unfortunately, is something I am very good at doing). As one of my friends said today, the amazing thing is that often when I bite off more than I can chew, I do actually manage it, but sometimes at considerable cost to my health and happiness – is it worth it?
It wasn’t intended to be a commentary on childcare or anything like that, while it did touch on a few of those issues. I did want to tell other young mothers and fathers that if they are feeling that they can’t “do it all” with two young kids, this is perfectly normal, and one shouldn’t feel ashamed. It’s also normal to feel a little down when one is sleep deprived and has multiple competing demands.
I think, LE, that it is worth looking at some of the issues. Sigh! As I said, another post.
Hi LE. I’ve been lurking on your blog for a long time. I’m only an undergrad law student, but I can certainly sympathise with the feeling of responsibilities pulling at you from all angles. Good luck, and I hope pulling back on the PhD gives you a bit of respite.
I wish comments could pull faces. I’m pulling a sympathetic face in your direction.
No words of advice to proffer, though. There’s so much wrong with the legal practise world, and so much wrong with the academia world. Both my partner and I are conflicted about our respective professional lives.
For what it’s worth, I think you’re amazing: inspirational and very admirable. Your legal thinking is clear, your writing engaging, your warmth and empathy obvious and your love of your children palpable.
Best wishes!
Thank you so much, littlewing and Oanh. One of the really nice things about this blog is how much support I’ve gotten since writing this post. Eg, last night, a friend from high school to whom I haven’t spoken in ages contacted me after reading the post, which was so nice.
I really appreciate it, guys.
An elder sister of mine always goes on about tithing. I always thought the concept was marred by a discernible self-interested pre-meditation. But the gist of it is that what you give you receive back – often in buckets.
You are a generous soul, Legal Eagle, and as Oanh said, warm and engaging. It is amazing to know you have two very young children, are trying to study and work outside the home and yet you still have so much interest, energy and ability to respond in the way you do here to such a diverse range of often difficult people you have never and probably will never meet.
You are extraordinary.
Thank you Posey, really appreciated.
I’m blushing.
One thing people may not appreciate is the phenomonal increase in time that 2 children require over just 1. With 1 child, it isn’t hard to find a few hours a day of quiet time, and certainly at night with your partner home and able to take up the running.
With 2, you are exhausted during the day, with no time to catch up, and by night you are both needed just to clean up and prepare for the next. Add to that if 1 has a medical issue needing extra care (eg our littlest has mass food intolerances meaning feed time takes ages just to get basic food organised).
We have found this the case even with the 2 yr old going to kindy twice a week.
My hat off to LE.
re being a litigator working from home – I manage that 1 day per week, but only because the practice is small and building. I’d look at options in a small local firm LE. Bit of a crappy time for looking for work, mind.
Best wishes.
Thank you so much Pete. And good luck to you and your wife with your little ones too. I’m sorry to hear your littlest has food intolerances – as someone who is allergic to various foods myself, I know how tough that is. Hopefully she’ll grow out of it (cross-fingers).
One of my friends reckons 2 kids isn’t double the work of one -it’s 2 and a half times more. I think she’s right. There aren’t the same quiet times, as you note. Inevitably, if one is sleeping, the other one is awake!