For laughing and laughing about this site…
You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.
We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.We are currently active in 20 states and growing. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral/ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.
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Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.
For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged friends.Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals.
Thank you for your interest in Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. We hope we can help provide you with peace of mind.
The best bit is the FAQ:
Q: Is this a Joke?
A: No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.Q: Do YOU believe in the Rapture.
A: As atheists we do not hold beliefs in the supernatural or a divine being. Thus, we do not believe in the Rapture. However, we respect the beliefs of others and are open to the possibility that our perspective could possibly be wrong.Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured.
A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God/Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.
And so forth. Please do read the whole FAQ.
One might think such a service was rare, but no, JesusPets also provides such a service, with additional specific guarantees:
If Jesus returns tonight, who will feed your pets tomorrow?
Make hard CA$H from home while the world is in flames!
Are you an animal lover; and also an atheist, agnostic, jew, muslim, or other non-Christian? If so, you might qualify for the JesusPets Partner Program!
JesusPets will pay YOU to take care of dogs, cats, and other pets. To qualify, you must agree with this statement:
The JesusPets Partner Program Statement
I love animals, and am willing to care for pets after the Christian Rapture.
I am not, and never have been a born-again Christian.
I believe it is immoral to have sex with animals, and have no desire to do so.
I believe it is immoral to consume common domesticated pets (note: this includes goldfish!), and have no desire to do so.
If you agree with, then please contact JesusPets to join our international community of JesusPets Partners!
That latter one must be a joke?
Just proves that when there’s a need, there’s a market opening for an entrepreneur. I wonder how many subscribers these services get?
Oh well, SL and I are dog lovers. If you are worried about your dog, I’m sure we’d be happy to look after it once the Rapture takes you…
13 Comments
But mummie said goggies go to heaven… *sniff*
Actually, if the definition of ‘true’ christianity is as limited as most rapturists seem to think, someone needs to come up with an automatic alert system to tell their athiest pet partners that they’ve gone because no one’s going to notice otherwise.
There is a fine short poem by British poet Stevie Smith which — as with all her work — is illustrated with an eccentric cartoon. It shows a man in medieval Catholic robes followed by a small boy followed by a dog. The small boy tugs on the priest’s stole and says:
Uncle Torquemada
Uncle Torquemada
Does Beppo know about Jesus?
I’m not quite sure I understand why the pets are left behind. True, they can’t adhere to the scriptures, but it’s not intended to apply to them anyway. And how could the Good Lord deny a puppy as cute as the one pictured above? *short pause as I dissolve in to mush just looking at it*
“True, they can’t adhere to the scriptures, but it’s not intended to apply to them anyway”
Does adherence get you there? My beagles are of the firm opinion that the scriptures are so contradictory in totality that either every man AND their dog is in, or we are all out. Their marked (they mark very well) preference is for the status quo.
If Jesus returns tonight, who will feed your pets tomorrow?
Oh man. Can I write the ads please? I’ll pay you for the privilege. If you’re going to Hell L’eagle, I’ll be there with you.
(1) Xtians (esp the Vatican) won’t even grant souls or quasi-human rights for anthropoid apes. So doggies get the brush off.
(2) There was a bit in the Mahabarata where one of the “lawful” characters, during his exile, befriends a stray dog, who then trots alongside during his travels. A rope appears out of the clouds and a voice says “climb up to enter heaven”, but looking at the poor mutt, says “Can I bring the dog?”. “Nope” says voice from the clouds. “Then I cannot leave this dog out here on top of this cold mountain, so thanks very much for the offer, but I have to say no”.
Puff of smoke later, the dog turns into Krishna, who say “You’ve passed the compassion test”.
That puppy above has a soul. Look at the eyes. There’s a soul there.
Now look at Dr Phil’s eyes…
He has no Elvis in him at all.
At least they ensure that those who rapture/rupture can be appropriately attired through a visit to their online store; although I am not sure that brilliant white boxer shorts would survive the rapturous experience intact.
It may depend what Christian you ask, there’s definitely a lot of animal iconography in the Christian religion (the nativity and all that). Dogs can come pretty close to being saintly, apparently:
http://www.beyond-the-pale.co.uk/dogsaints.htm
This poem just occured to me then. I might send it through to them.
When we
Pass over
What happens
To Rover?
I am laughing at all the comments.
Tim T, I love the dog-saints – poor Saint Guinefort the dog – surely he’d be taken up in the Rapture? What a noble hound.
Also LOVE the poem. Short and sweet.
In fact, Tim T, I might just illustrate it if I have a moment. Am currently painting a unicorn for daughter, but once I finish that…
My (maternal) family are all Franciscans. Of course anmimals have souls. Except seagulls and yappy little dogs.